CURTAIN CALL

I recently met up with a guy whom ive met over planet romeo. Of course, meet-ups through that usually is just a euphemism for sex; still my standing rule is that we meet first and check each other out before actually deciding to go horizontal--under the guise of finding chemistry, it allows for both parties to make a hasty but decent exit should expectations fall short. most of the time it also is a good way to at least put some semblance of a personality to the one i'm going to suck.

it also puts a personality to me--and that can lead to trouble.

let's call him Adam.
Adam was the typical 35-40ish gay guy, cute, a bit on the stocky side, with some flair, intelligent, independent, has a good opinion on things, and has his share of baggage. we met at a bar in quezon city. we talked and after the first feeble attempts at making a connection, things were gaining traction. he would talk about his life, his travels, his meet-ups, his views on life and being gay in the city--i was pretty much doing the listening part, which was perfectly fine with me.

i gave the mandatory talk about myself--my work, my daily routine, and my meet-ups which of course had me clearing things up that i was in this usually for the play; but friendships are always open. the one thing i cant offer is a relationship (as i was already in one)

halfway through a bottle of San Mig light, Adam said something that gave him a different color. in my eyes, suddenly here was a man who was deeper, had shades of gray, and not exactly as cheery as he first presented himself. that's when things got interesting.


amidst his flirtatious one-liners, i would listen to him and try find out a bit more of Adam. the night progressed and here was I suddenly losing my grip on my defenses. i usually get into meet-ups with a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am attitude, but this time, at the back of my head i was ok with just listening to Adam--the sex would just be a bonus. i had totally forgotten of why i was there, the role i was given, or more aptly, i didnt care.

As we finished a bucket of beer, buzz was already brewing, he starts flirting, i respond. then he leans in for a kiss, i meet him and give him a soft kiss--a kiss reserved when my defenses are down. and then he goes "kaso player ka eh--you're a sexual predator"

W...T...F?!?!

i back off and start to compose myself. in my head this was a done night. I didnt know how to react. had i been in let's fuck mode, i would have given a flirty comeback line ("well, it seems i made a catch then") but i had forgotten my role. I managed a flimsy "ah..ok" before taking a face-saving sip from nearly empty bottle of beer. we start talking again , but i was already out of it. went home dejected and confused.

i didnt exactly know what to feel at the onset of his words. honored that i was seen as this guy who could easily take down anybody i want? hurt? proud? rejected? cocky?
i knew i had cleared things up that i was a player--and while his words hurt, i see the truth in it. the thing that bothered me was that his words were full of judgement. i couldnt be because i was a player. a predator and by my nature i would be out to get him. what hurt was that i wasnt given a chance to be a person, to show him that there was more to me than being a player. all of myself didnt matter because i was a player.

for the next couple of days, the thought bothered me. after talking it over with a friend, i realized that my fault was that i had lost the objective of that meeting. Adam didnt want to see a person, he wanted to see a guy ready for action. At some point i gave up on that and wanted to be a person in Adam's eyes. it wasn't the place nor the time to be a person. Adam messaged a headless, half-naked guy over a gay networking site, i failed to play that role.

now i understand what a "friend' had told me over a party. we had just finished making out and we were on the way to being friends. but he tells me "it's hard to put you in the friend zone, because that would mean losing the sex. i love making out with you and bringing you over to the friend zone can mean knowing stuff and bursting bubbles."

i had resolved since last year to be explore my social side, be more friendly, and do more friend-stuff; but the sex always seem to get in the way.

after all this, i have to accept that there's a role i'm expected to play. it doesnt mean i am all but nothing but that role, but that is what the (gay) world expects to see. if a few ones come in to look for more, then i'd be grateful, but i cant take it against people like Adam for expecting to see the half-naked predator at a hunt.

Intermission's over. curtain's up, Manila Raunch. the audience is waiting.