THE REP

lately friends have been propping up asking for certain things: one asking for the newest bar, the other for the hottest cruising ground and the other wanted to try a massage parlor. normally i just answer them, but lately it got me into thinking: why is it that im beginning to be everyone's directory service for all things lustful?

Honestly, i do know the answer. I cultivated this whole persona of sex and lust--organizer of the hottest orgies (yes, i hold that distnction) sauna habitue, internet hottie/easy boy, etc. but nothing more than a purveyor of carnal leisures. people look for me when they seek to address their dark sexual desires and leave when they need to tend to their normal selves.

i know i cultivated the persona to protect myself. the chances of disappointment and hurt are greater when it was about me, all of me. so i opted to share only my sexual side--nothing to judge, nothing to disappoint, nothing to hurt--after all sex is just sex. and for the longest time it worked. people liked that i was all sex, and i liked it that i couldnt get hurt nor disappointed in this sphere. moreso when i became this "name" that had people talking (what was he doing, was it real, etc.) i enjoyed the vicarious attention.

but lately the down side also hit me, to these people i am nothing more than their vicarious ride,their go-to guy for the carnal pursuits. when the hormones recede, i slink back to the shadows.

i begin to wonder know if ive sold myself short. did i hold back too much. did i shut the doors way too much that even now i begin to be claustrophobic of the room i had let myself in.

something tells me that its best to keep to the shadows and just let life play itself out. while i would like to be more congenial and friendly, i understand that it would take really strong people to take on me and my other side. judgments and prejudices aside, it's not going to be easy to know me and like me--all of me.